I have been running away from unpleasant emotions for years; mainly the excruciatingly uncomfortable feelings associated with social phobia.
About a month ago, I had a few glasses of wine one afternoon in an attempt to assuage the discomfort of being in the midst of a social group dynamic. Later on at home, as the alcohol started to leave my body, I experienced the most acute episode of anxiety I have ever known. More than a physical anxiety (racing heart etc.), this was a crisis, an episode of despair, of extreme psychological discomfort, of existential dread, that lasted for hours.
Now, I have heard that alcohol withdrawal can affect certain people in this way, and I have experienced milder versions of this feeling before; but this was unprecedented in it’s severity.
After this dreadful night, there really was no battle, or decision to make, just a clear realisation that my complex relationship with alcohol was over. For good.
Alcohol and me go way back, for it is just so god damn accessible. And easy. And tempting. All through my twenties, I worked in customer service jobs; restaurants, bars, flower shops, and I used alcohol to cope with the social demands of these positions quite often.
Swigging from a water bottle of decanted gin at regular intervals throughout the day, everyday, so I could feel ‘safe’ enough to approach customers in a flower shop, while my colleagues around me, at home in their own skin, interacted naturally with people, with no apparent signs of discomfort. Why was I different? Why did I take a swig of gin at eight in the morning to start the day?
I didn’t know the answer at the time. It’s hard to figure out one’s deep psychological issues with an alcohol-fuddled brain. Do I feel ashamed about my past alcohol dependence? Surprisingly, and from the bottom of my heart, I don’t. All I feel is a huge amount of compassion and love towards my young, tender self. She was only doing the best she could, the only way she knew how.
Only a couple of weeks after alcohol quit me, I decided, for some reason (my higher self did it), to launch myself into a terrifying social situation; to teach a floristry workshop to guests at the hotel where I work. With a looming deadline approaching (I had about 3 weeks) I started to deeply reflect on the cause of social phobia. What is it all about? Why don’t some people have it? What is the worst that can happen? Well the answer is – that my least favourite emotion is embarrassment, especially when intensified further by the vicarious embarrassment of other people. Even more essential than this is a deep, vague (but definitely there) sense that there is something shameful about me. Some essential me-ness that is embarrassing and deeply unappealing which manifests in self-consciousness, sometimes to a crippling degree. So I came up with a comprehensive plan to heal myself of this malady.
Because psychological disorders are so complex, and become increasingly entrenched (due to the fact that we reinforce them every day!), I knew I had to approach this challenge from every angle I could think of. I also knew that consistency and discipline were absolutely essential.
The Plan:
Diet and hormonal health
I cleaned my diet up. Especially stimulants. Sugar, coffee etc., gone.
I have become very interested in female hormonal health recently and am very aware that hormonal imbalalance underscores much of our emotion, perspective and actions. It doesn’t take much to disrupt the delicate balance of female hormones, and therefore, if we empower ourselves with knowledge in this area and learn to tune into our bodies, we can avoid a lot of needless suffering. See link at the bottom of the page to a great hormone health coach (Jenna Rose Longoria).
Exercise
I’ve had quite a structured exercise regime for a while now, but I fine tuned it and started to treat the gym as a mother f@*#ng cathedral.
Combining physical movement with positive psychological tools such as affirmations and visualisations is really powerful. For example, I stood in Tree Pose facing the mirror for about half an hour, telling myself I can achieve anything over and over again.
Endorphins are obviously the best thing in the world ever and I ALWAYS ‘seal in’ my positive energy after the gym with a yoga practise or meditation. Almost as a sort of thank you to my self, and a way to reinforce the sense of satisfaction.
Meditation
This is number one, hands down, the most effective tool of all. It is totally transcendent, and so totally mind-altering.
It is an amazing moment when you realise that the emotional issues you are struggling with, are only constructions, and therefore can be dismantled, leaving you as a purer, freer person.
There is an expanse of consciousness within all of us that runs way, way deeper than everything we have constructed and the more time we spend in this space, the more expansive we become. All of our demons, our fears, our uncomfortable emotions, all of the times we’ve felt embarrassed in our little tummy, they are not really us at an essential level. What could be more liberating than this awareness?
It is one thing to understand this concept on an intellectual level, but to immerse yourself in this space, is just so beautiful and peaceful. Do it. I’ve done 10 minutes of meditation every morning and some times throughout the day if I have felt I needed it.
Mantra
I wrote a mantra. Well, I actually read it in a book and refined it so that it resonated more with me. I decided to only use it when a positive feeling (a refreshingly new feeling) relating to my floristry workshop arose. I wanted to connect it only to positive feelings so that I could whip it out before my workshop and immerse myself in it’s loveliness.
Whenever I said my mantra (either in my head or out loud) I FULLY focused on it and I smiled at the same time. The more elements you combine in one practise, the stronger the effect, kids!
“Limitless consciousness, source of all light and love, help me put aside all former thoughts and prejudice so that I may be open to a New Way. I ask the creative power deep within to guide me towards the person that I was always supposed to be”
Dealing with Negative Emotions
They popped up, the familiar resistance, dread, fear. I simply let them float away without attaching anything much to them. Stay light with this. Step back from these thoughts, and even smile at them as they float away.
Perspective change
When familiar thoughts of resistance arose, I consciously switched them in my head. I had to do this hundreds of times over the course of the three weeks, but eventually I felt my brain had truly changed.
Instead of: “Oh my god I have to speak in front of people, shit.”
I thought this: “I’m going to be in a lovely room with lovely people, talking how much I love flowers”
Stoicism
I have been reading a bit about stoic philosophy recently and it resonates with me a lot. I chose a few uncomfortable social situations, and I made myself do them. And if I felt embarrassed at all during these situations, like a true stoic, I accepted my feelings and moved on.
Sensory Grounding
One day last week, I went to a meadow and practised yoga, and while moving, I grounded myself to the smells and sounds around me. I lay down and meditated to the fragrance of the grass.
We live in such a sensorily rich world. Just the smell of grass contains so much nuance and depth. There is an opportunity in every moment to shift from the thinking mind to the sensory experience. Absorbing sensory experiences without filtering them through the thinking mind, heightens aesthetic and sensual sensibilities and improves the effectiveness of the internalisation process of information.
In other words, you can recall information more readily if you were fully present when you were initially internalizing the information. This is useful for public speaking when you’re constructing your words on the fly. Which is a much more authentic way to communicate, than to deliver a rehearsed a speech.
Free Association Writing
The first thing I do every morning is write three pages of nonsense. Ok, some of it is lucid and some not so much. But it doesn’t matter. It’s cathartic, it expands the mind, and it facilitates lateral thinking. I also keep a gratitude diary at night which is a great way to keep perspective in your life.
Honesty
I feel that the bedrock of my existence has to be honesty, no matter what. Our honesty and integrity is really all we have, and in times of despair, it’s actually amazingly comforting to feel yourself grounded in this core principal. It feels like a much cleaner existence. People can and will say all kinds of things to you, and about you, but stay grounded in your integrity, and you’ll be ok through it all.
Vocal Exercise
I only did this one time, the morning before my workshop. I went into the mountains at 5.30am and did some vocal work (the kind of training that is used for singers). The particular exercises I used are diaphragm strengthening ones. One feels much more courageous with a strong speaking voice, and these diaphragm strengthening workouts do really support the speaking voice very effectively. I also got out of my head while doing this, which was totally lovely.
On the day of the workshop, I was ABSOLUTELY amazed at the absence of anxiety. I was like “erm, where’s my anxiety? It’s not here, this is wierd.”
One refreshing surprise about this journey was that, normally in the run up to a fearful event, my anxiety would increase more and more, often giving way to panic right before the event. But this time the opposite happened. I was pretty anxious at the beginning of the three week period, but slowly my anxiety decreased, until eventually all I felt was what would most accurately be described as excited anticipation and nothing more.
I did feel a little nervous just before, so I meditated and managed it. It wasn’t insufferable like it would have been had I not transcended my constructed identity through these practises.
I re-wired my brain, and you can too.
Sending love and belief to all of your tender hearts,
Sally
♥️
Here are links to some things that I found helpful:
Pema Chondron on Buddhist teaching
That Florist Girl 